Yet another essay from my writing class. And again, I had 2-3 pages in which to write about 15-20 pages worth of information.
It started well until I got almost to the third page before realizing that I wasn’t even close to the part of the story I was trying to tell. Therefore, large chunks of information are missing, but I saved the original… to be continued.
For now, you can read my extremely condensed version of our love story. Like… SUPER condensed.
It had never occurred to me to tell Heavenly Father what I wanted. I had said countless prayers pleading with God to give me an answer. What I didn’t realize was that He couldn’t give me an answer to a question with no real direction. The answer finally came after a sincere conversation and heartfelt prayer. It would have been impossible for me to deny the feeling I had as I knelt next to my twin-sized bed, wrapped in the warmth of a spiritual blanket.
Just hours before, Anthony had asked me to marry him for the third time. I really liked him, loved him even. The problem was, I had promised myself I would wait.
Another guy, whom I had dated for couple of years, was gone on a mission to Japan. My family was partial to the missionary, Darren, mostly due to my constantly pointing out Anthony’s flaws. It was my only defense against the feelings I was developing. I didn’t want to love Anthony. He was the guy I met just 10 days after Darren left for the MTC, but he just wouldn’t go away. It was as if he were a cat I had fed a can of tuna. He just kept coming back. As a result, my feelings for him just kept growing, despite my efforts. In fact, there was a time we took a break from all contact for an entire week. That week felt like a lifetime, and I couldn’t get him out of my thoughts. It was my chance to prove to him, and myself, that I really wanted to wait for the missionary. It failed!
Anthony was an avid temple patron. He had gone several times seeking answers to the question of marriage. The answer he received was different than the answers I had received. He really felt I was the one he should marry, while I felt that I was receiving no answer at all. He would ask, “Do you love me?” To which I would reply, “Yes, but I love someone else, too. You can’t expect me to fall out of love with Darren just because you showed up.”
It was true. I was in love with two people. Both were great guys; one a returned missionary, the other out in the field. I am convinced, either one could have made me very happy. However, I still didn’t know what Heavenly Father wanted for me. When I would pray for an answer, my prayers sounded wishy-washy. I didn’t have a plan in mind. I would simply say, “Please help me to know whether I am supposed to marry Anthony or wait for Darren.” A decision hadn’t been made, and I already had my heart set on waiting… at least that’s what I thought. A part of me really wanted to marry Anthony. His family was great, and I felt that I could literally feel the love he had for me. But I had already convinced so many people that Anthony’s flaws simply couldn’t be overlooked. It would help to keep me waiting for Darren if I knew nobody approved of Anthony.
It wasn’t until the third time that Anthony asked me to marry him that I really prayed with a sincere heart. After the initial answer I gave that I was going to wait, he asked me very sincerely, “Have you really prayed about it?”
I was appalled. “Well… yes!” Then the next few questions came spilling out of his mouth. “Have you told Heavenly Father what you want and asked him if it’s right? Have you really studied it out in your mind? Do you even know what you want?” I became very defensive at that point. Did he think I was stupid? Did he understand that my heart felt like it was being ripped in two different directions? It was as if my heart was a wishbone straight out of the Thanksgiving turkey. It would be tugged and pulled by two guys, both worthy of becoming my eternal partner, until it would finally snap. The winner would be the one holding the biggest piece of bone in his hand. I hated it! It was the worst feeling I had ever experienced.
After Anthony was able to convince me that he wasn’t accusing me of anything, I realized that I had not yet prayed with a sincere heart.
That very night I set out to do just that. Having not made up my mind about what I really wanted, the only thing to pray for was clarity. I loved two men, but could only marry one of them. As I knelt down to pray, I realized that even thought I didn’t know who I wanted at that moment, I could tell my Heavenly Father I just wanted to please Him. The words of that prayer were the most sincere I had ever allowed myself to utter. I told Him that if Anthony was the person He wanted me to be with, then that was exactly what I wanted.
Suddenly, there it was! The spirit entered the room and I felt a warm hug envelope me. I can only compare it to the warmth of a blanket heated in the sun. In that moment, I knew. Heavenly Father wanted me to be exactly where I was. No wonder Anthony wouldn’t go away; he knew something that I didn’t. He had already received the answer, he just had to wait for little ol’ me to come to the same conclusion.