I had a battle within myself about posting this. On one hand I know there are people out there who will judge Anthony and me and therefore my children as well. We’ve experienced it… not fun! **Don’t post it!**
And on the other hand, I know that we are not the only ones going through a rough time needing encouragement and support. **Post it!**
Since I pride myself on being forthright and honest on my blog I decided that I would post it. Sure we have sunshine, rainbows, and butterflies much of the time but life isn’t just happy, sunny times. Opposition in all things! And right now I’m feeling discouraged and sad.
I may lose readers over this and that’s ok. For those that I can resonate with, that’s what I want. I want people to know that Anthony and I are human. We have rough times just like everyone else. We battle our own demons and have to find ways to come out on top. We always do but man, it’s not always easy!
So, right up front I would like to let you know that I know how blessed we are. With almost 6 kids it would be nearly impossible for me not to acknowledge the fact that we have little blessings all around us. I can’t imagine my life without a single one of my littles! Yes, we are blessed beyond measure to live in the neighborhood we live in. To have the church leaders that we have. To have made the friends we have made. And there are so many more blessings which we enjoy.
Life just isn’t fair!!
I look around me and I see people thriving in this horrible economy. And then I ask myself, why aren’t we? Why must we struggle through this? Why is it so hard to get food on the table and eat the way we want to? Why must we downgrade our food supply to processed crap that we tried so hard to get rid of? (Because it’s less expensive, that’s why!) Why must our washer decide to go out on us when we’re already 2 months behind on our car payment and all the other bills? Why did the car battery have to die when we’re already behind on everything else? Why is the dog deathly ill at a time when we can’t afford to take her to the vet? (She’s lost over 20 pounds and keeps throwing up and having the runs.) Why were we doing so well just five years ago and now we can’t find a job that will cover all the bills? Right now we’re just waiting on an answer from our mortgage company about a loan modification. If they don’t modify the loan we have nowhere to go because both our families are struggling as well. Why, why, why?
This is the part where some of you are judging and saying, Why in the world would you be having another baby when you’re already struggling to support the five that you have? The only answer I have for you is… the prophets and authorities of the church have always said NOT to wait until you’re financially stable to have a family. If that were the case, we would never have kids at all. The other answer I have… it just felt right. We prayed because we knew there was another one waiting to join our family and we received confirmation that now was the time.
NONE of our kids have come at ‘the right time’. There is no perfect time to have a child. There just isn’t. And yet, somehow, they all come with the blessings and the spirit we need at the time that they come. Does that make any sense? They come on the Lord’s time… whatever that may be.
Some people may think that because Anthony never received a college degree that he is less adequate, that somehow that makes him less qualified in the workplace. We started our family very early in our marriage and it just wasn’t feasible for him to go to school AND try to make a living AND try to raise a family. He did go to school and completed some courses but never got a degree. I know many will say, people do it all the time. And yes, they are right. But it wasn’t right for our family to do it that way.
He ran his own business for several years and it was very profitable. Then, down went the economy and so did the business.
And you know, I know many people that do not have college degrees that are doing very well still! I also know many people WITH college degrees that are struggling just as much or worse than we are.
It’s not fair and I don’t have the answers. All I know is that right now I’m feeling discouraged! Is this how our life is going to be for the remainder of our time raising these kids? Will we ever get to take them on the vacation they’ve longed for? I hate that many families get to go out of town and on fun vacations while we have to tell our kids no. They ask all the time when we will ever go on a vacation. The only answer I have for them is, “I don’t know.” We may never get to go on vacation. I just don’t know. It’s not the end of the world if we don’t but man, it sure is hard to see the disappointment on their little faces when we tell them it probably won’t happen for many years.
The past couple of days have been full of tears on my end. Yes, the crazy pregnancy hormones are kicking in. I just don’t understand why it’s all happening. I know there’s a lesson to be learned and it just gets frustrating not knowing what lesson it is. Haven’t we learned enough yet? Will there ever come a day that we can just plan something spontaneous that isn’t FREE? Even driving somewhere takes planning because we have to decide whether it’s going to be worth the gas $$ it will take to get there and back. Will we have enough to get through ‘til the next paycheck?
I don’t write this to make people feel sorry for us. I want others who might be going through a similar situation to know that they are not alone. It’s happening all over and to people you may not even realize.
This is only temporary! Even if it lasts the whole rest of my life, I know that these worries will not be with me on the other side. Things will look up for us at some point. I know it! There are lessons to be learned. In the meantime, I’m just trying my darndest to stay positive.
Was it a mistake to have started spent the money to start as a consultant for Shelf Reliance? Some may say yes because as soon as I did that, things really started to fall apart. However, I believe it to be a tool of the adversary. He’s got me discouraged and wondering if it really was a mistake. And yet, I know that I got a positive confirmation when I prayed about it. Have I made any money yet? No, but it takes time. I won’t let the adversary win! I’ve done a couple parties and they’ve gone alright. Looking forward to doing some more with even more success! I absolutely believe in the products and I know things are going to work out.
We’re not asking for a hand out, we just need a BREAK! Just a little breathing room would be nice. If you’re feeling the same way, I hear ya!
I’m sorry for the rant. Please forgive me. I’m human and need an out once in a while. We’ll get back to our regularly scheduled programming in the very next post, I promise.